I went shopping the other day and noticed a lovely jammy/undie store that wasn't skanky or poor quality or granny-like. Intrigued, I went in, and found and adorable sleepset. I also found a cool pair of panties, but, to my dismay, they only style left was a thong. "Oh, they're sooo comfortable," the saleslady said. "Just try one pair." I had my doubts, but I bought them anyway.

Yes, I'm going there.

I hate thongs. I've tried them before, and they suck. Whenever I see someone on What Not to Wear or in an ad or at the mall telling me, "Oh, they're so comfortable," I want to shake them and scream, "STOP LYING!!!!" Why do people try to get around the whole annoying wedgie problem by putting on underwear that's supposed to go up their asses? Are they just skipping over the slow creep by going straight for the power-wedge?

I abhor panty lines as much as the next person, but really--- unless you're ass is rock-solid, everyone knows you're wearing a thong. The jiggle gives you away every time. And then people think you're out of shape and easy.

Then there's the whole laundry issue. Think about where that string has been before you pick it up bare-handed to throw it in the wash. Grab a pair of gloves, for Pete's sake.

I'm no prude, trust me. I didn't bring three children into this world by playing the part of the Virgin Mary. But believe you me, Ms. Salesgrrl, you won't play me for a fool again, sister. Uhhh UH. You'll have better luck selling me one of these.