Justice, Thou Art a Woman

The three big relationships before my husband:

1991 (cue "I've Got the Power" by Snap):
I met D. in college, and thought at first he was nothing special. Then beer intervened, and he became my boyfriend for the better part of a year and a half. One night I called, and he answered, but he was clearly in the middle of having sex with some girl. Why he answered the phone, I have no idea. Fighting and screaming ensue, followed by ultimatums, and in the end, I stupidly take him back. Four months later, he dumps me for another girl, and marries her three months after that.

2002:
D. tracks me down online, emails me, sends pictures, calls. He's fat, bald, and alcoholic. He tells me that last Christmas, his wife waited until he went to work, then had her dad load up all of her stuff. He never saw her again. The morning before she left, he noticed there were no gifts for him under the tree. "I thought I was just getting something really big from her," he said. I'm the only one he's ever loved. I tell him to get over it, I'm married, pregnant and happy, and that being dumped by him was the best thing that ever happened to me. Otherwise, I would have been the sad case that married him.


1992 (cue "You Oughta Know" by Ms. Alanis):
R. was a busboy at the tres chic Olive Garden that Hausfrau and I worked at. He was nice, he was hot, and he was three years younger than me. I had to buy his beer when we went to parties. Overall, a great guy, I spent almost three years with him, until he dumped me for a 18 year old hostess. Sure, she liked to get into barfights and make out with girls, but he was sure she was The One. "You Oughta Know" came on during the Break Up Speech. "Um, this is a little uncomfortable,"he said. "Can we turn this off?" "No, let's leave it on, " I said, turning it up.

He married the hostess a year later.

I began to sense a pattern...


2005
I ran into R's best friend at a restaurant. Thankfully, I was dressed well and had on makeup. All three of my kids were with me, and all were perfectly behaved. He tells me that R divorced two years after he got
married, because his wife wouldn't give up her fights or her girls. I told him to give R my best, that as sweet as he is, I'm sure he'll find the right one someday. I flashed my diamond ring, packed up my kids, and hugged his friend goodbye.


1986 (cue "I Will Follow" by U2):
I had a dream in 8th grade that I had a crush on J., and when I saw him pass me in the hall, I noticed that--hey-- he IS kind of cute. He and I spent the better part of the next decade in that "will they or won't they??" mode that seems to work well only on sitcoms. First he said he liked me, then asked out another girl. Then he dumped her, but I wasn't having it. And on and on and on, through the years and through moves to other states and in letters and on the phone. The drama was quite intense, but the over riding theme was that I always felt I had to prove I was good enough. So I dressed better, became funnier, listened to better music, studied harder, thought deeper, got into some great schools, got my Master's. Then he called me "an overachiever," and I gave up.

2006:
I found out today that J., at age 34, "isn't sure what he wants to do with his life," and doesn't have a real job. Oh, and he lives with his mother. MWAH HA HAHA HAAAH HAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!