The other day I was late getting Alex to school. We were completely out of diapers, so I spent a good hour dressing everyone, loading them into the car, and driving to Costco--- because I buy diapers by the gross, literally. And of course I got distracted by the crab dip samples. And the book table. And the roll-up cargo pants (yes, I bought a pair of pants at a warehouse store. It was so very scandalous). So by the time we got out of there, I had 45 minutes to get back across town, feed the kids, get Alex's backpack ready, and get him to school.
And then I remembered that's why God invented Wendy's. As much as I hate the fast-food thing, it's saved my ass plenty on days like this. We ran into the house, I tossed nuggets on the table, and let the guys go at it while I put 12 rolls of paper towels away.
Of course, the kids took forever to eat, blah blah blah. When I got Alex into the front door of school, I saw one of the girls in his class go up to the office with the attendance slip. I could have chased her up the stairs, tackled her and ripped it out of her hands, but I thought that might freak her out. Instead, I did the proper thing and went to the office for a late slip--- something I haven't done since high-school.
When I got there, there were three other kids ahead of me, all waiting for late slips. Of course, the principal was the one handing them out, and with the keen empathetic insight into other people's moods that I've honed over the 17 years since high school, I could just tell she had a fight with her husband that morning, started her period, and ran over her dog on her way to work.
Mrs S: "Tyler, why are you late?"
Tyler: "Um, my mom..."
Mrs S.: "Speak UP
, Tyler!!! Why are you LATE
Tyler (wetting his pants):"Um, my mom had a problem with the gas company, so she had to use her cell to call them, and she couldn't get a signal, so..."
Mrs. S. " Oh really
??? Well, you need to tell your mom that she needs to do these things another time, and that she needs to get her act together and get you to school on time! Amanda--- what's your excuse?"
Amanda: "My mom..."
Mrs. S. "Your
mom, too? What's with the mothers today? The both of you need to remind your mothers about how inconvenient
it is to your teacher, and to me
, when they can't get you here on time! They know better! And if you need me to call them right now to discuss this with them, I'm happy to do it! Ma'am, can I help you?"
Me (wetting my pants): "Um, yeah, hi, I need to get a late slip for my son...I had to get diapers, um, at Costco, um, everyone took too long to get dressed, um, the crab dip was so delicious, so I had to get more, and um, I fed my kids nuggets, but I did the drive-through, and, um..."
I should have just taken that little girl out when I had the chance.