It's ME!!! It Really IS ME!!!!

First of all, welcome to my new identity. It wasn't easy to do, but I had to leave SN Martha behind. I hope all of my fellow playdates found me.

So here's the deal. Last night when I was trying to forget about losing my wedding ring, I spent about an hour on the web doing NOTHING. So I'm over on Google, and I find this little search option that lets you look for your name in other people's blogs. So, curious to see if anyone is talking trash about me (thinkin' it's time for a smack-down if they were), I entered my name, my husband's name, blah blah blah. And came up with NOTHIN'. So, on a whim, I entered my maiden name. Holy COW--- my blog was the first result out of about a hundred. Suddenly, I'm all paranoid that someone from high school will find my blog, or former boyfriends who are still agonizing over losing me, you get the idea.

The paranoia is justified, trust me. I got an email last night from someone who has been looking for me for a while, apparently. Someone who I was all to happy to lose touch with in the first place. I can only imagine what would happen if by chance someone decided to look for me through a blog search. Stranger things have happened. After all, this Blast From My Past is back, why not someone else???

And with what my husband does for a living, which I will no longer discuss here (those of you who know, hush it), huge problems could develop if I'm outed (Dooced, whatever).

So, call me Over Dramatic, Paranoid, Egocentric, whatever. But SNM is gone. Welcome to The June Cleaver Diaries.

I lost my wedding ring. Shit.

A Year in the Life With Twins--By the Numbers

A year ago today, I was shell-shocked in the hospital, in pain from a c-section, with two newborns and my nurse's call bell firmly by my side. Since then I've learned how much stress I can take and my marriage can take. I've also learned how to grocery shop with three children at once, breast feed two children at once (lasted 5 days), and live on less than 45 minutes of sleep per night (that lasted about 2 weeks).

Number of:

Weeks I was pregnant: 38 1/2

Pounds each baby weighed at birth: 7

Diapers used: 2,100

Cases of formula: 240

Hours of sleep lost: Countless

Nights they've slept through the night: 6

Times they've slept through the night that I actually went to bed early enough for it to make a difference: 0

Car accidents caused by sleep deprivation: 1

Worst thing I ever said: "I think it would be easier if I were dead."

Number of pills taken, following this statement, to counter post-partum depression: 185

Days I've been grateful for getting help: 185

Baby outfit changes: 1250

Mom outfit changes: at least double that.

Pounds I gained: 74

Pounds I lost: 59

Amount of cash spent on nanny, even though I stay at home: Over $15,000

Number of times we've had to count pennies at the end of the month because of this: 10

Toddlers toilet trained in the middle of the chaos: 1

Times I've been asked if I took fertility medication: 4

Times I actually took fertility medication:0

Times I've been asked "Are they twins?": Countless

Times I've dressed them identically in public to avoid having to answer that question: 10

Times I've still been asked that question, in spite of these actions: 10

Time it takes to get everyone out the door once fully clothed: 30 minutes

Times I took the twins to Gymboree by myself: 1

Times I went back: 0

Approximate number of magazines ingested by one of the twins: 6

Number of days I still had back pain: 365

Stupid arguments with husband: Quite a few

Days I've wondered "Why me?": 365

Days since I've learned to take the bitter with the sweet and thank God it's me: 185

Was it all worth it? Absolutely.

Which of These Things Does Not Belong???

I just opened and read a Christmas card from my uber-Christian neighbor.

"We pray for a blessed season for you as we celebrate the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ."

How nice.

Is it odd that I read this while listening to the Sex Pistols????

I'm Out...

Okay you guys! I'm officialy burned out on blogging.

Burned. Out. Big time.

I'll still be reading you all, though.

And maybe I'll start this up again, who knows, in a couple of weeks....

97 Martini Playdate

Okay, so maybe it was more like Two Bottles of Wine and Countless Beers Playdate, but still. The ride to Ohio was a bitch, what with two babies needing to stop after three hours, then two hours, then one hour, and so on exponentially, until finally we were forced by those two little dictators to stop twenty minutes from Hausfrau's Haus to feed them Wendy's. Really now. Am I being unreasonable to expect them to can it until we hit Hausfrau's driveway? Please. I'm surprised we didn't have to stop at the gas station near their house for beer nuts and a diaper change. And did I mention that on this trip, I mastered the art of changing a diaper without unstrapping the child from the car seat??? Uh huh, that's right. I'm the Queen Momma of Roadtrips. All in all, it took us 10 hours to cover what most people can do in 6, so I was beat and I remember very little of our first night in Cincinnati. Except that Herr and Frau's Haus was mighty huge indeed.

The next day, after the usual five pots of coffee we all go through together, we headed out to Jungle Jim's. Please check out the link. I've tried to describe this place to other people, and I've failed miserably. Also, please take note of the Amish corpses in the buggy. The place had everything, and I drooled over so so much, especially the wine selection, but I remain deeply concerned about the sanity of Mr. Jungle Jim. Oh-- and as a side note, they also stock virtually every hot sauce known to man. Aisles and aisles of hot sauce. Listed alphabetically. Complete with an "adult oriented" hot sauce section. Use your imagination. I won't describe it here, at the risk of attracting every perv on Google to my blog.

Then we shipped ourselves and our millions of children back to the house. Can I just take a moment to gush over the mini Misfit Hausfrau's? Baby Girl and Peaches will certainly be my daughters-in-law, if I have anything to do with it. And yes, I realize one of my 3 sons will be left out, but every mother needs a gay son to take care of her in her old age, so I have no worries.

The kids went to bed, the guys watched football downstairs, and Hausfrau and I retired to her huge bedroom to snooze and watch "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner."

No, we did not spoon.

Please.

I don't remember a whole lot about the night, after the kids went to bed. Except the fab shrimp appetizers we had (massive shrimp wrapped in prosciutto and a basil leaf, topped with Tastefully Simple Balsamic/Basil oil and grilled). Holy God, they were good. And I remember the drinking, and talking about everything and nothing, and playing Shut the Box. And I remember losing miserably at that game, because my score was literally in the millions. I had a blast. I even remember laughing so hard at one point I had to sit on the floor to keep from peeing, or tooting, or whatever.

And now, the pictures. I'm sorry to say, there aren't as many as I had hoped, and they're not that exciting. And there was a FANTASTIC shot of my husband and Herr Hausfrau laying on a bed "watching football." I know it was all innocent, and our hubbies are so very straight,but DAMN it was a good picture. Alas, my husband doesn't want me to post it.

Hausfrau and Herr Hausfrau

Oh my.

Okay, actually, as you may have guessed, she NEVER looks like this. It's just a horrible picture taken mid-blink. And I know she's going to kick my ass for posting it, so last night I took these pictures of myself, so you know what I look like when I'm hammered:

Am I not fabulous at all times???? Just kidding. For you, Hausfrau, here's a crap-ass picture of me, taking one for the team:

Nice jammies, eh? Only the best from Costco for me. I consider this pair to be birth control. And what up with the nose? Damn camera.

Anyway, I'll do a better job with the camera when Hausfrau et. al. come up in March for one whole, fabulous week of Martini Playdates.

You'd better watch out, Sistah.

Katy's in Da House (Aw Yeah!)

I'm baaack!

And I'm back to the usual routine. Which means today, I went to the gym, sweat my ass off, and then ate a half a bag of mini Oreos. Damn Nabisco and their sweet, sweet manna from heaven.

Anyhoo, off to rescue chiiluns from the cribs, call Hausfrau, eat the rest of the oreos, make dinner, get the kids to bed.

Then my friends, oh yes, the time has come.

I will be posting pictures from the 97 Martini Playdate.

Of course, I have no idea how many pics there are, or what's in them, so I'll be as surprised/disappointed as the rest of y'all.

Wiping the chocolate dust off my face.....